I have been closing most people off lately and yes its intentional, but not personal. It's to protect you more than to hurt you. I just, for the first time, have no idea what the summer brings now. And everything that has happened in the last weeks has been a confirmation of my own notion of how I end up hurting everyone I care about.
Lately even when I try to overachieve its not coming out well. School is basically fucked this term. I've dropped two classes and I can't drop anymore. Most of my teachers are pretty cool with me but my SOA 399 class I don't deserve an A and I know it. I want to drop out of College Scholars but everyone is saying ' You're so close its a shame if you don't finish it. You deserve it. ' If that's so then just say that I've fulfilled the requirements and let me have it dammit. I wrote a doctoral dissertation for my senior honors thesis, isn't that enough? But its not, you always have to keep on giving. It's never enough.
All my relationships are divided up in my head. The clutter makes it easy to see what I don't want but hard to see what I want. I really do think you can love more than one person at a time. At least, I feel like I can love more than one person at a time. But fidelity has always been a virtue of mine. So it tears me up inside now. Queen of the long pointless relationship I guess.
1. And yeah, I'm the antithesis of absolutely everything you want, but if I lost your friendship I would lose myself now.
2. I don't feel guilty about anything I've done, but I'll feel so much guilt for hurting you because its going to hurt no matter what I say.
3. I'm sick of pretending and I want to just be and see where it goes, but I'm scared too because there are things that frighten me about you.
4. You remind me of everything I ever desired in a boy or girl but I don't really know you at all. I would like to.
Eating something more than once every couple of days would probably help me too.