Ugh

Jan. 30th, 2006 02:37 pm
kestrana: (Default)
After I saw Beru post I played around with the horoscope compatibility thing.

Sagittarius + Aries or Sagittarius + Gemini-> Basically says that this is an awesome combination, espeically in the physical category *cough* and Gemini says get married to this person. )
kestrana: (dreaming)
"If you can read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, please post a comment with a memory of us - even if we don't speak very often. It can be anything you want, good or bad.

"When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you."


I broke up with Jon awhile ago. I remember feeling so relieved. Slowly but surely my life is getting back on track and reacquiring purpose. I remember why I wanted to be here. I remember the joy of being with people, of accomplishing work, of discovering new things and thinking critically about the world. I have reacquired hope.

I have also acquired another special person in my life. But I hesitate to say too much too soon about that. Just that this time things are a little different and in some ways that matter more we are more alike than anyone else I have ever met.

Every color goes when you do.

27 was the magic number indeed.

Truths

Feb. 25th, 2005 11:12 pm
kestrana: (free angel)
I have been closing most people off lately and yes its intentional, but not personal. It's to protect you more than to hurt you. I just, for the first time, have no idea what the summer brings now. And everything that has happened in the last weeks has been a confirmation of my own notion of how I end up hurting everyone I care about.

Lately even when I try to overachieve its not coming out well. School is basically fucked this term. I've dropped two classes and I can't drop anymore. Most of my teachers are pretty cool with me but my SOA 399 class I don't deserve an A and I know it. I want to drop out of College Scholars but everyone is saying ' You're so close its a shame if you don't finish it. You deserve it. ' If that's so then just say that I've fulfilled the requirements and let me have it dammit. I wrote a doctoral dissertation for my senior honors thesis, isn't that enough? But its not, you always have to keep on giving. It's never enough.

All my relationships are divided up in my head. The clutter makes it easy to see what I don't want but hard to see what I want. I really do think you can love more than one person at a time. At least, I feel like I can love more than one person at a time. But fidelity has always been a virtue of mine. So it tears me up inside now. Queen of the long pointless relationship I guess.

1. And yeah, I'm the antithesis of absolutely everything you want, but if I lost your friendship I would lose myself now.
2. I don't feel guilty about anything I've done, but I'll feel so much guilt for hurting you because its going to hurt no matter what I say.
3. I'm sick of pretending and I want to just be and see where it goes, but I'm scared too because there are things that frighten me about you.
4. You remind me of everything I ever desired in a boy or girl but I don't really know you at all. I would like to.

Eating something more than once every couple of days would probably help me too.

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kestrana

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