The World

[kestrana]

The world is cold. It is dark. I am empty. I am cold and dark. I can remember exactly when this moment began but I don't know when it will end. I want it to end. But that also means giving up completely on something that I poured all of myself into.

But he doesn't want me anymore at least not in that way. And that is something I absolutely must accept for his sake and for mine. I want to talk to him about it but when I try I feel like there are so many walls around him now. It's really almost like he's a different person. And I can see at the edges why some people have said negative things about him, I can see the hardness coming out and that callousness that I think is a defense against breaking down into his own misery.

But he said today something "when I don't see it going to marriage" and that somehow was the most hurtful of all things. Maybe because that really was something I felt was possible and dreamed of here. I really saw it and felt it and dreamed it and that dream is broken now and oh god I think how can I ever find anyone who can be this again because he is and was all the things that I wanted except for the fact that I guess he couldn't love me back in the way that I loved him. But there's not a single thing I would change about him except to have him love me. And he even does, its just not enough for him. Some thing is missing and neither of us know what it is.

Comments

[kingandy]

Dude. Hugs.

If you love it, let it go.

And other pithy epithets that probably don't help. But still, hugs.

[scrymnstrs.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Though this relationship was much longer, and much more serious, I can imagine hearing the marriage line for you must has felt much like hearing the purity line did for me, when this was a boy who I was drawn to in much more purer ways than any boy before. *hug* You've got the love of your friends, but I know, of all people, that it is not the same.

<3