Somewhere It Is Dawn

This weekend a whole hell of a lot of things happened.

Stathi decided not to go home because bad weather was forecast all weekend. However we decided to drive over the hill anyway to go to Jamestown, California, home of Railtown 1897 State Park. This is a pretty long drive, 3-4 hours. When we got there, it had snowed all over Central California (which is very unusual) and the bums at the state park had decided it wasn't worth being open. So we walked around the place a little bit but then left and proceeded to drive all around Tuolumne County, looking at old train things and museums that might pertain to my master's thesis. We ended up staying at Curtis' in Roseville that night and came home yesterday after Stathi spent some time working on the Plymouth and I spent time fending off the dogs and watching bad movies on television.

This seems all very straightforward until I come to the strange things that happened.

As we were getting onto the I-80 W ramp at Keystone in Reno, Stathi had to come out from a detour and merge into the right lane. He signaled and a Black VW Bug tried to cut us off from entering the right hand turn lane but we were able to pull in front of him without incident. Making the turn, we go straight towards the light for the onramp when the Bug comes at us, honking and nearly side-swipes us. I see the guy driving it yelling and giving us the finger. He cuts in front of us into our lane and slams on his brakes, trying to get us to hit him but the Jeep's brakes were better and we avoided that. The man then drives his car across 4 lanes into the I-80 E onramp and pulls over, getting out of his car. Of course Stathi's reaction is to flip the guy off and begin angrily yelling back at him. I pulled out my phone and called 911 and Stathi made a report on the guy, who, seeing us on the phone, pussied out and drove away. I don't think they caught him but the near brush with death bothered both of us all day. We also got cut off by a Corvette outside of Sacramento but we saw him coming up on us and figured he would do it so no harm there.

Everything else went pretty well until we stopped at the In - n - Out Burger in Auburn on the way home. I accidently left my purse in the restaurant and didn't realize it until we got back to Reno. Now, I had to get a ride to work, so I was late, I don't have any lunch and Stathi and I have to drive back to Auburn this afternoon with him because without my purse I'm missing my car and apartment keys, my gate pass, my cell phone, my ipod, my drivers license, my credit card...

I'm so mad at myself and Stathi's being golden about it, just saying he'll see if there's something fun we can do in Auburn so we can make it a sort of little trip.

me + stathi = back together*


*not my idea

The world is cold. It is dark. I am empty. I am cold and dark. I can remember exactly when this moment began but I don't know when it will end. I want it to end. But that also means giving up completely on something that I poured all of myself into.

But he doesn't want me anymore at least not in that way. And that is something I absolutely must accept for his sake and for mine. I want to talk to him about it but when I try I feel like there are so many walls around him now. It's really almost like he's a different person. And I can see at the edges why some people have said negative things about him, I can see the hardness coming out and that callousness that I think is a defense against breaking down into his own misery.

But he said today something "when I don't see it going to marriage" and that somehow was the most hurtful of all things. Maybe because that really was something I felt was possible and dreamed of here. I really saw it and felt it and dreamed it and that dream is broken now and oh god I think how can I ever find anyone who can be this again because he is and was all the things that I wanted except for the fact that I guess he couldn't love me back in the way that I loved him. But there's not a single thing I would change about him except to have him love me. And he even does, its just not enough for him. Some thing is missing and neither of us know what it is.

Stathi left for Portland today. I was supposed to go too but there were complications with it being a "guys outing" so I didn't go and that's just fine because I have too much work to be doing anyway.

But first, the ridiculous crap that's unimportant.



How did they know?

And also:
Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2005. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your 'Year In Review'.

January: My New Year's Resolution was to read something from a book every day.
February: Hoeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
March: I need the first White Stripes Album or at least the song "We're going to be friends".
April: What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
May: You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
June: I still haven't heard from my professor about making up that test.
July: Two weeks until I move to Nevada.
August: So the first two days of school are in the books.
September: I pretty much don't want to be here anymore.
October: I think the first few things are really accurate the last one not so much.
November: If you can read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, please post a comment with a memory of us - even if we don't speak very often.
December: Thanksgiving was really quite nice.

I really didn't post all that much this year. Blame WoW.